


Thoughts of a Broken Man

by GreenEyedBoy



Series: Thoughts of a Broken Man [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Sad, Short
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:47:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 3,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27871785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenEyedBoy/pseuds/GreenEyedBoy
Summary: There's this special place we all go when we feel down.When there's nothing else on our face than a frown.I got pretty good at hiding it with a mask,Since people always feel compelled to ask.With enough time it becomes easyEven though it makes me crazyPeople tell me it's all part of god's planSo here are the thoughts of a broken man
Series: Thoughts of a Broken Man [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2040585
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	1. The Poem

** The Thoughts of a Broken Man **

There's this special place we all go when we feel down. 

When there's nothing else on our face than a frown.

I got pretty good at hiding it with a mask,

Since people always feel compelled to ask.

With enough time it becomes easy

Even though it makes me crazy.

People tell me it's all part of god's plan

So here are the thoughts of a broken man.


	2. She was all Smiles

** She was All Smiles **

She was all smiles when she walked into the room, she had been texting him all day about how much she wanted to see him and how missed him. She was all smiles when she walked in the room, as she rushed to his side, he watched her sit down next to him and try to start a conversation, but he did not seem to be listening to her. She was all smiles when she walked in the room, so she teased him a bit asking what was so important that he would ignore her thinking about it, he only turns his head to look at her. She was all smiles when she walked into the room, but now she looked a bit concerned, she asked if something was wrong or if he doesn’t feel well, she laughed nervously as she asked jokingly if he didn’t want to see her. She was all smiles when she walked into the room, but her smile faded when he looked at her and said 2 words; “I know”, her expression went from confusion to fear and suddenly her tone changed. She was all smiles when she walked in the room, but he wished he could cry like she was crying right now. He couldn’t bring himself to it, only looking at her as she screamed, denied it, called him names, put the blame on him. She was all smiles when she walked into the room, the thought of it was almost funny to him. He would have liked to feel sad or angry, but he only felt disappointed, he slowly got up and walked out of the room without another word listening to her screaming. She was all smiles when she walked in the room.


	3. Interlude

** Interlude **

He flipped in his bed, avoiding the sun inviting himself into his room through the closed blinds, they have not been opened in a while. The  more light creaked and peaked at him the more he fought to get away. Burying himself into a tight ball, he tucked at the covers so hard his knuckles were getting pale. He did not remember the last time he ate or slept, but at least the water stain on his pillow was starting to dry. He looked so small in the bed, all pushed to the side, but he would never dare touch the other side of it. This way he could just lay there pretending she never left, that her side of the bed was still warm. That maybe she was just in the bathroom getting ready, or maybe she is in the kitchen making breakfast, or lunch, or supper. He  realized he did not know what time of the day it was, but what did it matter? He kept trying to close his red strained eyes, but all he could feel was the empty space behind him. He knew she was not in the bathroom, or the kitchen. She was not going to be there anymore. He just wished that at least she could have said goodbye…


	4. Beautiful

**Beautiful**

It was a beautiful day. He walked slowly down the street listening to music. As he walked, he could see the birds flying, the kids playing outside, running, and laughing, people eating on terraces, they looked happy. An old couple was walking in his direction, the kind you can tell have been together their whole lives. They smiled shily at him, he couldn’t get himself to smile back. People always say you shouldn’t listen to sad music when you feel down, but at least if he got to feel sad, he would feel something for once… He could hear a river close by, the sound of water tumbling down and took a left on the bridge across it. At the middle of the bridge he stopped, went to the side and climbed the railing. He looked down at the water, it was a beautiful day.


	5. Building a Lonely Hearts Hotel

**Building a Lonely-Hearts Hotel**

When I placed the first brick, I had no idea what the result would look like. I had offered a friend to build her a temple that would help her promote her creation, that would unite her followers. I just wanted to help her and make her happy, so I kept building, for hours, at any moment of the day or the night. As the walls went up and the doors opened, people started walking in, some helped me build, some just made the place alive. Of course, there were some problems along the way, but seeing all these people make friends and families in my creation made any issues seem irrelevant. All these lonely people getting together in this fortress made me want to keep building, never taking time to walk in myself. I just wanted them to be happy and feel at home. When I finally felt like it was time to enter, I realized I had spent so much time building from the outside, I had locked myself out, a stranger to the house I built, unwelcomed by the people who helped me build it. All I could do in the end was watch as life left the building, and the doors were locked for good. Laying there where I fell. Wondering where I went wrong, why I could never fit among. I stared at my Lonely-Hearts Hotel.


	6. The Wonderland

**The Wonderland**

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone in this world. Sometimes I feel alone. Sometimes I feel. I feel like I’m alone. I’m alone. Don’t get me wrong there are people around me, I have friends. I think I do, it’s just that I never know who to talk to about my feelings, or how to talk about them for that matter. Sometimes I wonder what happened to me. It seems I fell down the rabbit whole except there is no wonder in this land, everybody is just mad. I mean, I’m fine, I mean it really! Better than I used to be at least... It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then. I guess I just wish I didn’t cry every time I see myself in the looking glass... I know I'm not alone, so many people feel like this, but I don’t think I have ever felt so lonely.


	7. The Fallen King

** The Fallen King **

Time really is an odd concept. Sometimes days, feel like hours, hours like days and months like years.  It’s been months since I showed myself here, but it feels like it’s been forever. The doors are closed, the streets are silent and  only ghosts remain. I wander the empty rooms,  watching the frozen faces of my friends, my children and  the person I used to be. Thankful that their smiles will forever  remain, and their tears will continue to glim frozen in time , I walk up the stairs to where my old friend sits on my throne . She smiles at me before getting up , leaving a place I forced her to come down and fill.  As I look down on the chair, I can see the person I was once upon a time when I sat on it.  Oh, how I tried setting fire to it, how I put an axe through it and cursed everything it was, not realizing I was cursing and setting ablaze the person I was . After all this time, I show myself here again, the hood falls over my shoulder revealing a  tarnished ice looking steel crown, only fitting in this frozen kingdom. I sit down, and before  my eyes this forgotten castle comes alive. People  who had never forgotten me even when I forgot myself welcoming me with open arms, tears come to my eyes and among those people, sitting on this old ancient chair, I see  myself, smiling back at me. A fallen king, finally home.


	8. Running Water

** Running Water **

He looked up from the sink gasping for air, his breath s h ort and staggered. H e just stood there as his messy hair fell in front of his eyes. He could guess they probably looked reddish and strained,  and at the sight of himself he felt them watering up again. The sound of the running water filled the  room, but he couldn’t hear it.  All there was for him was the ringing in his ear, like his mind was trying to scream. His head hurt, his eyes stung and all he wanted was for it all to stop. He felt angry, angry at the world, angry at the people around him, angry at himself, angry  at who he was,  angry he couldn’t be someone else .  Without thinking his hand flew forward, cracking his reflected image. Again, again and again he kept breaking  himself down, blood running down the surface of his world and when he finally stopped all he wanted to do was scream. Scream at the world, at the people around him, at himself, at who he was . Just scream until it all faded away, but as his rage choked  down, he started sobbing . All that came out was the sound of a man crumbling and fading away. He closed the running water and the only sound left in the room was the sound of the water running down his cheeks. 


	9. Atlas

** Atlas **

I think I'm killing myself. Every day I wake up and every night I go to sleep , I know I'm alive ! but I don’t feel like doing anything anymore. Maybe I’m killing myself.  A few of my friends went to the hospital recently, suicide attempts or intent.  I try to be there for them,  spending countless nights and energy trying to help them. It feels like I’m standing at the cliff, holding them up with my bare hands, but I’m not sure I kept a hand to hold myself up.  People think I’m killing myself. I refuse to stop even though my friends keep telling me I should stop, that I can’t hold the worlds pain on my shoulder, I disagree.  As an Atlas I keep pilling it up on me, standing tall, making sure no one worries about me . I’ve been killing myself. I know it, for a long time I’ve known.  I’ve killed the person I was  years ago and I’ve only been fading away ever since.  Problem is, every time this realization dawns on me, I only put another pound on my shoulders and keep walking, knowing I’m going to kill myself.


	10. Just for an Instant

**Just for an Instant**

His fingers tighten around the wheel, knuckles turning white from the strain. Almost as white as his drained face. Stars keep flying past him in a straight line, flashing in his face like a distant sun who’s lost his vibrance. His eyes answer the stars, shining with a dark glim as he looks nowhere. His head ringing with thoughts he doesn’t bother to keep out anymore, he just pushes his foot further down, as if trying to outrun them. Following the road he’s traveled countless times, nothing in front of him, and only darkness swallowing his past every inch further he gets. Where is he going, he doesn’t know, where he came from, he doesn’t remember. All that matters is this instant, the feeling of the wind slapping him in the face, and the constant rumbling surrounding him every time he pushes to go faster. The road drags herself in front of him and he feels a connection to it. Just like him, it seems she doesn’t know where she’s going, but she keeps dragging herself across the path as if there was no other option for her. He feels sad for her, but deep down he knows he never did anything better than drag himself along that road. He wonders, what if he chose differently, what if the next time the road turns, instead of following, he kept on going ahead. He knows what happens if he goes off the road at this speed, but it would be his choice. Just for a moment, just for an instant, it would be his choice.


	11. Apollo

** Apollo **

What use is the sun god once he’s lost his glimmer? What does he have left when music no longer makes him  happy? When he no longer wants to dance. When the words he  writes no longer  paint a bright and beautiful picture.  What  remains to do once all his passions are gone and the things that made him feel alive, no longer do?  Does he just start fading away? That’s everything he was, so what is there left of him? Was he already fading away to begin with?  The sun didn’t stop rising each day, he just stopped rising with it. He’s tarnished, rust covering his once golden armor. A frown has covered his childish g rin and his golden hair now falls messily upon his tired eyes. Is this all that’s left of him? 


	12. Alive

** Alive **

Life is such an odd concept. We spend our days thinking of the next and everything we do is for someone that will forget who we were once time passes. The person that you beco me in a decade, a year, a month or even just a week has nothing to do with who you are today. Regardless, we just run around for that person, saying it’s all to be happier,  to live better, but we never actually live in the moment. So, what’s it all for? We know how short life is, even if it feels like it drags on forever, at the same time it  seems to be racing away in front of our eyes...  So, what do we do? We cling to it, holding and clawing at it for dear life. We try to make it go for as long as we can . It doesn’t make us any happier, quite the contrary actually. We spend every day trying to make sure that we get to live as long as we can and we never take time to actually enjoy the life we’re given . All it leaves us with is a pathological fear of death, of it all ending, of not having enough time, of never getting to that point where we get to live. We are so afraid  of death it’s almost laughable, because it’s ironic. We are afraid of our own death, but the death of others doesn’t affect us as much doesn’t it?  Of course, we fear the death of our close ones, but it’s still centered around us. Because we fear missing them, not being able to see them again , the whole they leave in our  lives. Death is such an odd concept. It seems our relationship with death in this wretched society is just a fear of the end.  So, what if  someone didn’t have anything to miss, what if they weren’t scared of losing anything, weren’t scared of running out of time? What would they do then, how would they react  when someone points a gun at them? Would they stare down the whole and watch their life pass before their eyes?  What would they do with these few moments without regrets? Find god?  I’m not sure what someone without regrets would do, but I think, looking down the small void before the sound of the hammer breaking down on my life. I would  press my forehead to the metal,  feel the chill against my skin and close my eyes. At least for a moment there, I would be truly alive. 


	13. Drowning

** Drowning **

Darkness starts stretching around him, sound comes to him in echoes and he can feel the pressure crushing him slowly. The cold is tingling on his skin and he can hear the beating of his heart against his head. He tries closing his eyes and then opening them again, but no matter how much he strains his eyelids shut. Every time he opens them all he can see around him is darkness and shadow. Staring at his empty hand, he feels his eyes sting but he cannot bring himself to cry down there. It’s not surprising, he knew when he took her hand that she would be dragging him down the abyss, he just didn’t expect her to leave him here alone. The pressure is making his limbs numb, but it doesn’t matter. He’s not going to try and swim up anyway. He had been sinking for years, but he usually managed to keep his head above the water. Too busy trying to swim up he never noticed how much he missed having someone by his side. So, when she embraced him the first time, this forgotten feeling surfaced in him. It did not matter at first that she was pulling him under, at least he wasn’t alone anymore. She was pulling him, but he thought he could swim for the both of them, he was wrong. The light glistening on the surface kept drifting further from them, no matter how hard he tried to swim upward. His arms hurt and he felt tired. When he realized he couldn’t save the both of them, he turned to her and said he couldn’t do it, that he had to let go. She simply looked at him, smiled and let go of his hand, rising back to the surface without him and without a second look. Now just lying there at the bottom, he stares at his empty hand and miss her. 


	14. Her

** Her **

I wish she would stop haunting me. It seems that everywhere I look, she’s just standing at the corner of my eyes. I know that technically  it's the corner of my mind , but it’s hard to admit I’m the one who can’t get over her. So, I convince myself she’s the one haunting me on purpose. I hate her, so much, almost as much as I hate myself. So, why do I feel the constant need to see her and think about her. I despise what she did to me, how she came into my life and reminded me of how alone I am. I hate the feeling of need that she brought back into my life. I hate she made me realize I’m so starved for physical affection, that if someone were to hold me for a few instants I might completely break down. I feel like I’ve been poisoned, as if something is killing me from the inside.  I hate the fact that seeing she texted me again made me both happy and miserable. Even more miserable than I already was. I hate everything she has done to me and the person she made me, but I think I still love her.


End file.
